In this, the latest installment in a special investigative series focusing on the differences between men and women, Orillia Today sets out to answer the question that has confounded scholars for eons: why do men leave the toilet running?

For more on this pressing and often divisive issue, we take you now to the men’s washroom that is located conveniently on the other side of the wall that separates my work desk from the office toilet.

(Watch your step, there may be water on the floor because someone, probably a man, left the toilet running.)

I can prove conclusively this is the men’s bathroom because of the loud and persistent noises that are the hallmark of a non-functioning plumbing apparatus, whereas the women’s bathroom is silent and peaceful and is possibly even decorated with fresh floral arrangements, though I can only imagine because, as a non-female, I am not allowed in there.

Behind the gents’ bathroom door is a symphony of plumbing-related sounds, and by a symphony, I mean the relentless hissing of a toilet, its rubber stopper thingy floating freely instead of doing as its name implies and stopping up the hole at the bottom of the tank.

This is no fault of our management.

Newspapering is a hectic business, where there are never enough hours in the day to tend to all of the important issues that confront us as reporters of serious events, such as the economy, healthcare and precipitation.

Priority-wise, fixing a toilet ranks low on the to-do list.

This is why men visiting our washroom are greeted by three, full-page notes strategically posted on the back wall in a text-size large enough to be seen through cataracts.

One is handwritten, and the others are typed in big blocky letters and studded with exclamation marks for added emphasis.

The first note appeared several months ago, surreptitiously taped to the wall by someone who’d had it up to here – I’m motioning to my chin – with the needless wasting of water that resulted from the running toilet.

“Dear gentlemen of Orillia Today: It is not enough to simply jiggle the handle. You must lift the tank lid and make sure the plunger is covering the hole, otherwise the toilet will continue running for eternity. Thank you for your patience and understanding on this very important matter.”

A second note, equally courteous in its tone, reminds us to leave the fan running and to shut the door after we’ve finished up to ensure customers and fellow staff are protected against unseemly odours that may or may not have originated from an offsite contamination source.

The latest note is handwritten in the sort of terse, bold prose that can leave a guy too tense to concentrate on the business at hand.

“MEN OF THE URINAL: YOU MUST RELEASE THE PUSH HANDLE AFTER YOU ARE DONE OTHERWISE THE WATER WILL CONTINUE RUNNING AND FLOOD THE BATHROOM FLOOR. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.”

And still the symphony of sounds continues.

The lesson here is that, no matter how often you remind us, men will never do as they are told, even if it means having to wear rubber waders to work because we left the toilet running last night.

We will jiggle the handle, but beyond that, we are a lost cause.

Check back soon for the next installment in our series on the differences between men and women, in which we examine the statement that men are better drivers.

(The previous statement was in no way endorsed by the author of this column.)

- Frank Matys is the reporter for Orillia Today. Send your comments to fmatys@simcoe.com.