I'm no history expert – or, as they are properly known in the industry, an oldologist – but even I can tell you that Sir Winston Churchill existed, having witnessed with my own eyes a well-known black-and-white photo of him scowling at the camera.

Research into that striking image reveals that Churchill had just been told that a majority of British students surveyed in 2008 believe him to be a fictional character, no more a living, breathing human being than Superman or Santa Claus.

"Blimey," the late prime minister was heard to exclaim loudly before storming out of the room for the first of many gin and tonics and cigars, which were also not fictional.

According to Britain's Telegraph newspaper, a fifth of the 3,000 teens recently surveyed believed Churchill was made up, while more than a quarter said that Florence Nightingale, a nurse who attended to injured soldiers in the Crimean War, was also a myth.

Nightingale could not be reached for comment.  

More astonishing to academics was the news that many of those same students believed Sherlock Holmes and Robin Hood to be the real deal.

(I looked it up – they aren't.)

Hood, you'll remember, was the leader of that merry band of rascals who famously stole from the rich to give to the poor, which accounted for all those Cadillacs parked outside humble country pubs with names like the Singing Weasel and the Aggravated Cow.

Robin Hood lived in Sherwood Forest and was even featured in a full-length film starring Kevin Costner as the lead character and a rotund, rosy-cheeked man – possibly Winston Churchill – as Friar Tuck.

Holmes, a pipe-smoking detective, was the creation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who would surely be amazed to learn that 58 per cent of the survey's respondents believed his beloved sleuth actually walked the streets of London.

(Which is just crazy, as everyone knows that, as a superhero, he flew.)

Elsewhere, the story of King Arthur and his knights at Camelot rang true for two thirds of the students, while slightly less than half assumed Eleanor Rigby, the title of a Beatles song, was an actual woman.

Barbara Ann and Peggy Sue could not be reached for comment.

Some of the problem may stem from the fact that more than three quarters of respondents did not read history books, while more than 60 per cent admitted they would rather eat live tarantulas than watch a history program on television.

The survey results have understandably caused Britain's teachers to shake their heads in disgust and wonder what the future holds for this once great and proud nation.

After all, those who fail to remember their history are doomed to repeat it, to borrow a quote from the legendary seafaring hero Captain Crunch.

Who, educators have asked while wringing their hands and pulling out tufts of quickly whitening hair, will be England's leaders in this bold, new century?

Let me be the first to nominate Batman and Robin.