“When are you gonna do a column on manners?”

Every so often – usually on the half-hour – a co-worker poses this question after swiveling her chair in my direction and peering over the rims of her glasses.

“You’ve got to write something about manners,” she’ll say as I stop typing and return her gaze, best described as “determined,” “steely” or even “laser-like.”

Darlene (all names have been changed to protect me) usually speaks in a voice so sweet and angelic that butterflies and bluebirds regularly gather round her head.

This is because she is genuinely likeable and possesses many positive attributes that are too numerous to list here, but suffice it to say she is highly personable and has excellent taste in clothes.

When Darlene has encountered a rude person, however, her tone changes dramatically and can be described as “mildly irritated,” “slightly annoyed” or “fire breathing.”

This is when she decides the time has arrived for me to pen a column focusing on the decline of manners in modern society and the implications for humankind, especially the humankind that butted in front of her at the drive-through this morning when her vehicle was clearly next in line.

“Whatever happened to common courtesy?” she’ll add rhetorically, the suggestion being that much has happened to common courtesy, most of it bad.  

Darlene usually says this after a coffee run or trips to other places that tend to draw people who A) drive cars and B) are oblivious to everyone in their path, including pedestrians and other cars.

“You’re not going to believe this,” she’ll say ominously.

She will then break into a lengthy explanation of the offense using a variety of highly unique facial expressions and voices that won’t be replicated in the next Disney movie, unless that movie is “Bambi’s Revenge.”  

This is perfectly understandable behaviour as Darlene, like many of us, is a victim of Rude Action Trauma (RAT), a condition psychologists are only now coming to understand as playing a key role in modern day conflicts, such as fender benders.    

Symptoms of RAT include reddening of the face, eye twitching and over-use of four-letter words that your mother told you never to utter now matter how hard you slammed your thumb with the hammer.

Other common symptoms include clutching of hair, excessive perspiration and unexplained instances of automobile acceleration in mall parking lots.

As a fellow sufferer of RAT who perspires and clutches his hair regularly, I feel Darlene’s pain.

Whenever I am cut off in traffic or someone fails to thank me for holding a door open, the office can be sure to hear the full report, which will involve a variety of story-telling techniques, including but not limited to high-pitched wailing, mouth foaming and hopping from foot to foot in an ape-like manner, possibly while I beat my chest and grunt.

“Me so mad,” I tell my co-workers. “I try parking today at mall, and there perfectly good space for my car but guy in next space parked part of his truck on it. I not have enough room to get in.”

Good thing me have manners, otherwise I would scratch his truck with key.

Ugh.