On a clear day, visitors to the observation deck at Toronto’s CN Tower can see Rochester, New York by gazing east through the enormous windows, according to a glossy promotional brochure entitled, “We Cannot Be Held Responsible For The Crummy View You May Experience On a Foggy Day. Also, Did We Mention It Was Rochester? I Mean, Who In Their Right Mind Travels 114 storeys to Look at Rochester?”
The answer would be nobody.
That is because all of the people who crowded the observation deck on the morning of our March Break visit were fixing their stares not on the unfoggy horizon but on the glass floor, which according to the same promotional brochure, is capable of withstanding the weight of 16 rhinoceroses.
This is fine if you are a rhinoceros or a fearless child, but less comforting if you are a grown man who barely managed to stifle a shriek after stepping onto the floor with the big toe of one outstretched leg before coming to his senses.
He quickly retreated to the regular floor where his wife comforted him.
The transparent floor is widely considered the highlight of the CN Tower tour, as it allows viewers the unique sensation of being suspended more than a thousand feet above the street with nothing but a plate of glass separating you from a freefall to eternity.
Also, it is hugely entertaining to stare at the hundreds of tiny ants milling about at the base of the structure.
As I later learned, these are not actually ants but so-called scalpers who earn a living by artificially inflating the price of tickets to sporting events and rock concerts held at a nearby venue formerly known as the SkyDome.
(Like the CN Tower, rhinoceroses and other animals are not allowed in the dome unless accompanied by a paying adult.)
Children, who will believe anything printed in a glossy brochure, pile onto the glass floor with a level of enthusiasm that can only be described as “requiring psychiatric assessment.”
Some walked across the floor at a leisurely pace while others sprinted competitively and still others sprawled out on their backs so friends could capture their daring feats on videos to be posted on YouTube under headings such as “Scaring My Parents While Visiting World’s Tallest Freestanding Structure” and, “I Wish There Was an Open Window So I Could Try Hitting The Hot Dog Vendor With A Major Loogie.”
The candidate most likely for psychiatric assessment was a smiling young boy who, without warning or the benefit of a parachute, began jumping with all his might on the glass floor 60 or 70 times with the force of an atomic jackhammer.
This caused parents and other grownups to back away from the viewing platform toward the elevators on the understanding that, should the observation deck suddenly rock sideways due to the child’s repeated bouncing, we could flee to the safety of the ground level gift shop, where for $36 there are pictures of Rochester, New York taken on a clear day.
