Have you – an astute observer of pop culture – ever found yourself asking, who is Hannah Montana and how is she related to Miley Cyrus?
Please don’t feel ashamed.
Even whip-smart newspaper reporters whose job it is to know these things are regularly stymied by this question, which is usually posed by other newspaper reporters because their Internet connection is down.
Here is an actual conservation that took place in a genuine newsroom between two reporters who were barely fabricated for the purpose of this column.
Reporter No.1: “Hey, Fred, you heard anything about this Montana girl?”
Reporter No. 2: “Huh?”
Reporter No. 1: “I got to write something about her and I think she’s related to someone who goes by the last name of Cyprus or something. I’d ask the Internet, but it ain’t been working ever since that cable got unplugged from the side of my computer.”
Reporter No. 2: “I think maybe they’re cousins or something. Just don’t mention them in the same paragraph and you’ll be all right.”
As I discovered through dogged research, every six-year-old girl between here and Nunavut knows the real scoop.
For the price of a Hannah Montana Dazzling Dancer Inspirational Action Figure and Matching Makeup Kit they will gladly explain that Miley Cyrus – an extremely famous actress and singer who earns more than the combined salaries of all the newspaper reporters in the world – is Hannah Montana.
As an adult male between the ages of 35 and 100, I didn’t understand how that could be, as these young women clearly sport different hairstyles.
Suspiciously, though, they have never appeared together in the same room.
For more on this, I turned to an expert.
“I don’t get it,” I confided to my six-year-old daughter. “Sometimes I see this person on TV and they call her Hannah Montana, and other times her fans are all, ‘Oh … my … gawd, it’s Miley Cyrus.’ So which is it?”
Colleen the Younger agreed to explain this apparent discrepancy to her old man with the unspoken understanding that I would never repeat the question in public, because that would be highly embarrassing for both of us, but mostly for her.
“Daddy, Hannah Montana isn’t real,” Colleen explained, hands resting on her hips and head tilted to one side. “She’s just an actress.”
I nodded.
“But how could, I mean, I thought they just ran in the same circles or something.”
Colleen the Younger shot me a look that suggested she was beginning to doubt my ability to find my way out of the rain.
“Miley Cyrus pretends to be Hannah Montana. She’s acting.”
More shocking was the revelation that Miley Cyrus is also the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, an actor and a singer best known for the country song “Achy Breaky Heart,” which in addition to selling millions of records was also found to be a leading cause of road rage and runaway dogs.
How embarrassing for Hannah.
Today's Weather 
2°C
2°C
Most Recent Stories
Bus company fills void
ORILLIA - A Penetanguishene-based bus line will fill the void left by Greyhound when it ends its long-running service to the Orillia... [more]
ORILLIA - A Penetanguishene-based bus line will fill the void left by Greyhound when it ends its long-running service to the Orillia... [more]
Skaters strong in North Bay
ORILLIA - Orillia Figure Skating Club competitive members Evelyn Telford-Gill, Hillary Sullivan, Gunnar Holmgren, Jayme Zwiers...
[more]
